...Silent Scream

Sometimes when it pains a lot

& I tend to lose my patience

I want to cry but even my eyes run out of tears

There are no more tears left to drain my pains out

I want to shout at the peak of my voice

But no more strength to even utter a word

It happens when I want to abuse such a life

But there is no more time left with me to live

Whenever I wanted to lose some burden of my heart

I had no one closer enough to share with

What prohibits me to share my pain & my tears

Is it the fear to lose some of my treasures of feelings

This always happened to me that whenever I dream something

I have to keep away of that in reality, why this be so

Can’t I complain, don't I have rights to dream

Then why shouldn't I be rebellious why should I be silent

As I never grumble about my grief

It always has becomes the blight of my life inside me

The pain always brings a piercing cry

A silent scream always trembles my world & brings disaster for me

What Do I Expect From Life ???

What have I lost & what have I got
Whatever I had with me, today that has been lost
What I wanted 2 achieve & what have I got
Where is my destination
Where am I going?
Am I going on the right direction?
Thinking over these makes my mind more confusing
Am I happy with what I have?
If not why not
What else is there that I do lack
What makes my nights sleepless?
What is there that comes to mind always
What are my dreams & what my desire is?
Did I ever tried to get what I want from my life
Though I never asked for a lot of things to my life
I don't know why life has always begged a lot from me in return
Though life gave me a lot of good friends & a caring family
I have been brought up well & I have every reason to be happy
But what prevents my happiness to hug me
What is the reason, why I am sad today?
Why I am not happy why I can’t enjoy any achievement
Why at every step I move ahead I find something missing
What is there that makes me realize something is missing there
Am I waiting for some1 else or something else???
Unless I find what exactly my goal is, how I can be able to hit my target
So these days, I am in search of something that will be everything for me
How to get it, how to make my wishes come true
Have my fate preserved those for me or I have to yield it?
I am trying to find out what exactly I need
& what's more do I expect from my life...

I Hate... Myself

I lyk everybody, I luv somebody
I believe nobody but still do trust somebody
To d worst limit of my emotions
There’s some1 I have & I hate somebody

The one I hate till d date is someone
Whom I am trying 2 luv since long, very long
It’s none other than me, it’s myself only
Who has made my lyf a very sad song

I hate my soul for living a lie, living in illusion
For every false & artificial smile on my face
I hate myself 4 every shit that I find in me
I don’t lyk this life filled with emptiness, incompleteness

I hate myself for being something that I am not
In fact, I hate my heart for being just a fake
I hate god for still keeping me alive
Coz’ I am ashamed of every breath I take

I hate myself for not hating d one I should hate
I hate 2 think about myself & I hate to hear my name
I don’t hate people for not loving me anymore
Rather I hate myself for still loving them

I hate myself for always doing those things
That I never wanted to do, that I never tried to do
I hate myself 4 trying to make those things mine
Those which are not at all made 4 me, which can never b mine too

They say that some1 who loves can never hate anybody
I have an ocean luv for my people whom I am blessed with by my fate
But still could not preserve a single drop of it for myself, not yet
U knows what…that’s why I am still confused whether I love or I do hate…

What Do U Think?

Do

?????

Click Here 2 See The Video ( Attached with it ) : I Hate Myself...

An Evening Walk

It was late in the evening yesterday...

I was returning 4m one of my friend’s home. I was on my way to home & was passing through the narrow street connecting Shiripur Square to Passport Office. That is my favorite road in our locality. Because most of the time it remains silent & it’s not crowded too. Especially in the evening of spring I like that street because of its beautiful atmosphere & some pleasant smell from an unknown corner which makes me pleased somewhat... Yesterday in the evening it was a nice time when drops of rain took pity on my place after a long period of suffering in damn hot summer. While passing through those streets I found the whole way was lonely & there was no one 2 break the silence of the atmosphere, even the home-returning birds had 4got 2 sing.

Veiled with the darkness of the evening the moon was looking so beautiful though it was not a full moon day. Glittering stars were creating an illusion as if they r winking at me which made my lips 2 smile due to shyness unknowingly. The breeze was so cool that the smell of the wet soil blowing with it was fascinating & casting some magic spell upon the environment. The leaves were leaving their beloved branches & blowing away with the wind. The red colored flowers & yellowish leaves of some trees were lying on the road. They were looking like some golden graffiti’s drawn for the welcome of some angel who is about to cross that street. It has already started raining & I was being drenched.

Though it was 3rd may 2009 – World Laughter Day, I had not even got a chance 2 smile throughout the whole day at least not till then. I was also in an irritating & bad mood. U can call it as my default mood, that means when I am not happy means I am irritated. Unlike others u can’t find me in a normal mood. I was walking all alone. As loneliness has been killing me always these days, I was expecting someone, someone closer to my heart to be there with me. But alas!!!

Then suddenly to my great dismay I felt an unusual & different kind of touch as if someone is holding my hand tight gradually. I felt the warmth of the presence of someone special with me. While I turned to see what that was…… I found a very pretty girl in a maroon & black colored suite whose appearance was almost similar to the one whom I always find very closer to me in my dreams.

The Most Beautiful Girl in The World was beside me… Wow!!! What a great time was that... Her beauty truly amazed me, fazed me. It was a perfect girl with a loving heart & a pretty smile. I could not get a clue about what she didn’t have. Her slim, expressive arms were the place where I always longed to be since a long, I don’t know how long it was. But I wanted 2 be there, my hands in hers. I felt as if her eyes are the reason of the sky being blue. The moon will be jealous if it gets a chance 2 look at her smiling face. She had got a very pretty dimple smile on her face which was creating some kind of wave to transmit the happiness all over the world. She had got class & she had got style in her own way. Simplicity was describing her simply.

When I saw her my soul came 2 an conclusion that I have finally got the one whom I was searching for. When she touched me, I felt it so soothing. She told me something coming much closer to me. The purr of the breeze was in her murmuring speech which told “No need to worry Dear, I am there with u & I won’t ever leave u alone!!!” I felt her fingers gently combing my hair. I felt asleep as I always do feel when someone does this to me; but it was her eyes that didn’t let me do so. I went deeper in to her eyes & I completely lost myself.

She shared her beautiful treasures of feelings with me & I could not notice when a heavenly happiness came closer 2 me in order to broaden the length of my smile. I was so happy that my eyes started emotional draining. My heart started beating faster & I was afraid if they would skip some of the regular beats. My heart began fluttering like a dove & I tried 2 live my whole life within that moment. At the moment she was telling something some musical sounds were coming to my ears as if someone is providing background music to support her musical & magical words. The time was running slow & I wished if this travel would never face an end. I asked her how she remembered me & how she came to me all of this sudden. She answered me that she came to me because I was missing a lot her. I again smiled at this. She made my evening a memorable one by coming from my dream to reality. She stole all my sadness & pain from me and filled my heart with all the happiness of the world.

Then gradually I came closer to my destination & the crowd was ahead. Then rain has almost poured all of the blessings which it had brought with it & was about to stop. I was talking with her all the way & my hands were locked in her hands. Suddenly………yen……..again suddenly I noticed that there is no one walking with me. I realized that there was no one with me & I was still all alone. I realized that it was nothing but only my imagination. Finally I came out of my dream which my opened eyes had painted for me. All the things I felt & all the conversation with her was just imaginary.

But one thing was there, which is not an illusion, not at all. It was a fact. The only thing that had been changed during this rain is my expression & my feelings. Finally I was smiling. And definitely it’s a bigger thing for a person in whose life there is a great deficiency of this. She left me in the midway, but with a promise to come to me next team when sadness will fill my heart to walk through the rest part of the way.

Might it be just a dream or imagination, But that girl is still with me & will always be there in my heart 2 make me happy coz’ she have 2 b there with me to pave me the path to my destination. Yes, she is my lowe, she is my life, she is the reason of my smile. I always need her with me. But what else can I do? She only comes to me when I am alone, when I am sad & when I have to live a lot of painful days. And might that be the reason why I love sorrow, I love pain & I love loneliness. I want her at any cost & it really doesn’t make a great difference if the only way to get her is to get pain, sadness & loneliness…..